I have recently injured my left knee. I partly ruptured my ACL. I remember my first words from the physiotherapist that I visited. She said: "You are weak, you are weak for the life you live". At first I did not like the comment but then I found she is right.
Last couple months have been dancewise intense for me. In summer I spent a month in New York City where one of my dance videos was screened at One Day Dance festival and I also used the time educating myself in dance classes and dance programs. It was amazing time. I enjoyed it a lot and tried to get the most out of this experience. But I also know that the place was so intense that I did not give much attention to my eating. I ate simple meals which would not cost me much time or money. I was partly nourished from the excitment and energy of the city and people I met.
When I got back to the Czech Republic I did not want to loose the momentum and kept going to the classes in my city. Summer is rich for dance festivals and programs. It is great but I probably did not create much time to recover after the big trip even though I did things that made sense to me. After I came back I was sick with my stomach and in that moment eating properly was my medicine.
I also did some teaching where I could apply all the previous experiences.
In the second half of summer I visited a dance camp in Slovakia. The program was so rich with workshops and performances that I did not have much time to rest. I did not want to miss a thing. Starting my first classes at 9 in the morning and fininshing before midnight after watching series of performances. I kept stretching myself to the limit and on the 4th day when doing toprocks my knee said: "Enough. I am done." I heard the ligament cracked. I knew I am done right away.
When injury happens to me I don't usually protest, I accept it as I am able to reflect what led to it. Of course I am sad and have thoughts that I should have take better care of myself, I should rest more, I should not do that class, I should do different class etc. but it is done. My friend Lucie who is a coach and has been very supportive on my dance journey reminded me that in those moments we need to practice kindness toward ourselves and I found it very helpful.
I also know that just before the injury happened I wanted to show off. I longed for recognition from the outside. For some reason I did not feel loved in the environment and old emotional wounds from the past resurfaced.
But since then something seems to have been fulfilled, completed. There were moments in my dance life that I kept going back to places and environments that did not serve me well, where I did not feel loved or good enough. But since that moment I've known that I don't have to prove myself to anyone. That I am done with people and situations where fear is louder than love. There were 4 teachers giving the class and none of them asked me if I am okay during or after the class even though they saw I was injured. Another student has helped me to stabilize the knee and she said that I probably saved her knees that she was pushing too hard, too.
Since then I've slowed down, begun the recovery process, asked for help, spent some time by the sea, I've learned new things about myself and my body, new exercises, I stopped underestimate the proper nutrition, added more protein and began to be more consistent and aware of it. I have recently finished the self-care bootcamp with my favourite pilates and qigong teacher Steven Washington. With slowing down I also created space for feeling my emotions. So far the little detour has brought me more good than I could imagine. I have also recently opened a new dance program Find Your Flow where we can take great care of ourselves by connecting with ourselves, our own sources and with what transcends us, the source that brings us joy.
And you, what have you been up to?
Much love,
Jindriska
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